Friday, April 23, 2010

An Earth Life

Both kids came home from school yesterday with a flower pot.  Inside was a seed from a scarlet runner bean, and it was in honour of Earth Day.  They watched a movie about the Earth and talked about things they would do on Earth Day in order to help the planet.  Well aren't we twee?!!  One day per year, we get to care about the planet.  Don't even mention to the little kiddies how we should be doing this shyte every day that we are blessed enough to breathe whatever clean air is left on this earth.  Why aren't we drilling this into their heads every single day?  Or better yet, leading by example?

All this week they've been encouraged to send them to school with a "litterless lunch".  Litterless lunch sucks donkey balls!  In our family, we don't watch much tv, we dry our clothes outside in fine weather, we eat nearly everything home made and grow a lot of our own food in the summer.  We voluntarily walk to places we need to get to.  It almost makes me puke every time I go near it, but we have a compost pile as well!  We even have an all-consuming, manic passion for recycling.  If one didn't notice how groomed our armpits are, one could actually accuse us of being "hippies"*.

To me, litterless lunch is a huge smack in the face.  School lunches are about the only things in our house for which we use packaging, or single-sized servings of anything.  Even then, only rarely do we do such things because our kids eat like fiends and need mass quantities.  If I were to load them up with water bottles and storage containers every day for school, they'd need a separate backpack to hold organic carrots alone!  Seriously!  

As it was, all this week their backpacks were so heavy.  I couldn't manage to jam the zippers shut on their lunch bags because their reusable containers take up too much room.  I swear, the middle kid was unbalanced all the way to school in the morning.  I kept having to shove him from behind when we were walking up hills so that he didn't topple over, roll down the hill and land in a sodden heap of sandwiches and orange juice at the bottom.

I've been hearing radio announcements all day suggesting things like, "Hey fat fuckers, today it's Earth Day, so how about you recycle that soda can instead of chucking it into the nearest garbage bin, only to have it stay there for several million years polluting the earth for the children you can't have since you've gone sterile from eating so many TV dinners?".  They may have used slightly nicer language, but the same sentiment is there.

One day, one week, one month or a year even, is not enough.  We should be doing this shit every single day that we are alive.  We owe it to our children and other peoples' children, even if you're like me and don't like other peoples' children.  Heh.  Just kidding.

But not really, because they're bastards.

Our family is not perfect.  Shocking, I know!  We still have a great deal of room to improve.  However, being more environmentally conscious is something that's very important to us.  It should be important to everyone, quite frankly.  I suggest that instead of having an Earth Day, how about we have an Earth Life?  Devote your entire life, change your entire way of thinking and living, and just do little things like walking to the corner store, use cloth shopping bags, eat less meat, buy local produce from farmer's markets or grocery stores, shop once in a while at a thrift or consignment store, or reuse something several times before you recycle it.  The list goes on, but other people are better at it, so here are some links:

50 Green Tips


Earth Day Canada's Site

Teach your children well.

That's all,



*Twills is aware that there are many hippies that do not have hairy armpits and that stereotypes are wrong, even when they're funny.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Told Y'all I Was Down

I took my son to his first rock concert last week, as we had bought him tickets for Christmas.  I knew that the tickets were for him, but in reality I really, really did want to go.  It had been so many years since I'd been to a concert that I can not for the life of me remember which one it was, and I actually do really like the band that we went to see.  We go to outdoor music festivals a lot in the summer with our kids, but they're more the kind of thing where you'd see people wearing either tie-dye, mullets, or both.  This was going to be mayjah.

Several things have changed since I last went to one of these shindigs, though.  Well, this concert was geared mainly towards teenage girls and tweens with parents in tow.  When I was a teenager I was more used to the types of venues where they frisk you on the way in for illicit firearms, shanks, drugs and/or alcohol.  They did check my handbag, for which I apologised, mom-like, for it being so messy. 

Some things have not changed.  Teenage girls scream really farking loudly.  They don't wear very many clothes.  They will cut a bitch for the opportunity to rub up on the lead singer when he comes near the crowd.  They almost always dance, and know all the words to all of the songs.  Some of them sweat profusely and smell like armpits when they wave their hands over their heads.  You will leave a concert thinking you've caught the plague from all of the sweaty germs and your ears will buzz for a week.  Or is that just me?

We had floor seats, which I thought would be good because we were fairly close to the stage, but it's not good if you're nine and the teenager in front of you is 6'2".  Note to self:  When buying concert tickets for short people, no floor seats.  I didn't mind Tall Stuff being in front of him so much, because every time a beach ball or a bottle of water (we'll get to this later) hurled towards my baby's face, Tall Stuff would inadvertently act as a cloaking shield for him.  He did take short shifts standing on his chair to see better, because the teenager behind him told him that she didn't mind.  So yes, some teenagers are really nice.  There is hope for the world after all.

Remember how people would wave their lighters around during slow songs?  Well nowadays they tell the kids to take out their cell phones and digital cameras to wave those around.  That, and instead of saying, "Buy our album", they say, "Go home and download our album, burn it from a friend or pirate that mofo because as long as you're listening to our music we're happy".  I'm sure their bank accounts are quite happy, also.

The entire time, I kept thinking back to when I used to attend a lot of concerts when I was a teenager.  How I used to love boys in bands.  Punk bands, mostly.  Remember how your parents would be horrified if you brought home a boy with baggy pants and an earring?  I can just imagine how horrified my father would have been had I brought home boys with flat-ironed hair, skinny jeans and eyeliner.  Jeesh!

Not to mention how the three opening acts had songs about throwing your hands in the air, and waving them as if you just don't care.  Years!  Years, we've been listening to different variations of throwing your hands in the air and waving them like you just don't care.  Is it possible that this phenomena is not entirely played out by now?  Could it have been cool to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care throughout the eighties, nineties, and today?  Classic, yes; but how great is their sense of entitlement to think that they have the ability to improve on such a classic?  Ah, youth.

I did feel like getting all Mom on their asses, though.  Every time a band member would finish with a guitar pick or drumstick, they'd toss them into the audience.  They'd take a sip out of a water bottle, and toss those into the audience, too.  One sip!  Would it kill them to reduce, reuse, recycle?!!  I swore to myself that if a water bottle was hurling toward my son's head and Tall Stuff didn't end up taking it in the head first, then I was going to sue their asses!  As for us, we paid six bucks for a bottle of water that they then poured into a giant paper cup.  Bottles are life threatening, apparently.  Not to be used without supervision.  If I'd known they were going to give me a paper cup regardless, I would have rode their asses and told them to give me tap.  Mama recycles, yo.  *throws up gang signs*

See how hip I am?  Mama is down.  Recognize.

That's all,



Part Two, which will come to you later:  How I accidentally found myself wanting to rip the clothes off of the incredibly young lead singer and ravage him like a cougar and the only thing that stopped me was The Child.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Willy Wonka: Womanizer

Zen:  Mama your hair so nice.

Twills:  Thank you, baby.

Zen:  Your hair so nice and it's wild.

Twills:  You mean curly?  Because I didn't straighten it today?

Zen:  Yeah, your hair is curly ta-day and it's wild.  Yeah, your hair is wild and you have a fro.

Twills:  Mm-hmm.  *It's not a fro! It is not!*

Zen:  You have hair like Willy Wonka, but not when it's wild.

Twills: Pardon?

Zen:  Willy Wonka hass red hair and your hair black, but you also can have Willy Wonka hair.

Twills:  Do you mean when I have bangs?  Because Willy Wonka has bangs?

Zen:  Yes.  You hass bangs and Willy Wonka hass bangs.

     *Puts hands in hair*

     Mama?  Willy Wonka not have wild fro, Willy Wonka is womanizer.

Twills:  Pardon me? What did you say?

Zen:  Willy Wonka a womanizer.

♪♪♪  Womanizer womanizer oh womanizer oh you a womanizer baby ♪♪♪

Twills:  Zen?  What do you mean about Willy Wonka?

Zen:  Willy Wonka hass red fro and Willy Wonka a womanizer.  He likes ladies.  He likes their boobs.

Twills:  *face|palm*

Zen:  ♪♪♪ You you you are!  You you you are!  Womanizer womanizer you're a womanizer baby! ♪♪♪

Twills:  Oh, far too much Britney.

Zen:  Mama, you put on Womanizer for me please?

     * bats eyelashes *

Here you go, Zen.  Enjoy.