Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Sock Pile

Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a laundry expert.  With three boys and a real "working man", I do laundry every single day.  If I skip a day, I have to do two loads the next day.  If I skip two days, there are three the day after that.  On weekends I do laundry pretty much constantly, because that's when I take care of the sheets and towels.  Heck, I'm such a laundry fanatic that I make my own freaking soap.  Not only because I have a son who has sensitive skin and can't handle conventional soap, but because I like it, dammit!

Being a laundry nazi (heh), I have a complex system of hampers and baskets that are organised according to colour, cleanliness and date soiled.  Anyone but me would need an engineering and possibly a psychology degree to figure that bitch out, but I've got that shit on lock down.

Then there's an extra box.  A shameful, shameful box.  One that I feel I need to hide if my mother in law or *gasp* a neat freak were to enter my home.

It contains....

This hot mess:

Okay, so that stuff is not exactly mine.  There are pink ones and the pile contains pairs.  Not to mention that the pairs are balled up, and I would never ball up my socks like that in a million years.  Doesn't this person understand that making little sock balls like that looks messy in the drawer and it ruins the elastic?!!!  Shame!  Shame on all you sock ballers!  Damn you, random Google Images!  You didn't deliver!

I choose not to mention that there's a cat in the picture.  Oh, but then I just mentioned it.  Crap!  Ignore the damned cat, I would let a cat in my house the day that I would ball up my socks and chuck them in the drawers.  Fold them, people!  Fold them with OCD-like precision and stack them neatly according to colour and warmth-providing qualities!

So my question is, where the eff do all of the missing socks go?  And what do you do with the odd ones that are left over?  Wear them anyway?  When my eldest son was 6, he used to love wearing odd socks.  Problem solved!  Now that he's 8 and thinks he's badass, odd socks just ain't gonna fly!  And if I hear "Mom, I can't find any socks!" one more time five minutes before school starts, I think I might seriously force him to wear mine.

What do you do with all of the odd socks?

You could donate them to a one legged person, I'm sure they'd be thankful to have such variety.  You could make sock monkeys out of them I suppose, but does the world really need any more sock monkeys?  They're so creepy!  And you can't really make a sock monkey out of a baby sock, they're too tiny!  Sock puppets... you can only own so many of those before they become as lame as Lamb Chop.   So what else?

I've asked the Dilf what he thinks you can use odd socks for, and OMG he won't stop talking.  Stuff about vehicle intake mixed with dryer lint... some other uses that seem like they'd be reserved for homeless people... yadda yadda yadda... bunk sock, dipstick wiper, something called a "black jack" which is some kind of weapon (remind me to Google that later) bra stuffers... yadda yadda yadda... penis cosy...  OMG, that's enough, Dilf!  Gawd!  He's still going... He doesn't realise that I've moved on.  Him and his odd socks can beat it, quite frankly.

Maybe I should keep them, after all.  I'm pretty sure that if I did throw them out, the very next day the matches would just suddenly appear miraculously.  I'm also pretty sure that I'm fanatical enough about laundry to go visit the landfill and search for my garbage bag containing the old socks.  Didn't I say you'd also need a psychology degree?  Don't say I didn't warn you!

Tell me, y'all.  What do you, personally, do with all of your old socks?  Discuss.

That's all,




teek said...

I have a basket on UNTAMED socks....This basket is my constant menace, I fear it, I have to confess sometimes I dream of it... The DEMON socks.... It is like my own personal horror flick...Angry growling tube socks, Animated fang bearing princess ankle socks shooting bow and arrows of flaming men's dress socks!! See the nightmare.They chase me around the house...It always ends with me being tied up with mismatched socks and begging for forgiveness for my children's inability to put both socks in the dirty clothes basket!!!!
Wacked I tell ya!!!! I may need therapy...

I am convinced my children eat one sock upon arrival home from school....this explanation gives me the answer to my dinner never being eaten and the reason why I only end up with One sock in the laundry ....

Leah. said...

I too have a basket that I keep on top of the dryer in hopes that the missing sock will find it's match. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.

teek said...


Sock Monkeys 84 kinds
We sell Sock Monkeys. 4" to 48" Free Shipping at $59.99. Est. 1986.

a place we could send all our
un-mated sock...wonder if they will pay us for them?????

Twills said...

We could always trade them on the Sock Market.

Twills said...

Oh my gosh. Keep the links and pictures of sock monkeys to yourself, Muffin's sister!!! Lol! I'm going to have nightmares now!

Anonymous said...

I solved this dilemma a long time ago by buying the same style and brand of socks every time. There's always a sock to match in my drawer, though the odd one may have to wait for a partner after the next load is done. And when socks get too worn out or dirty to use anymore, I just ball a few up together and let the dogs play with it. Nothing says "entertainment" like watching little dachshunds thrashing a sock-stuffed sock that's more than half their own size.

Btw, is it wrong to be slightly aroused whenever you talk about your laundry basket system? Maybe I have an OCD-fetish, but I'd love to take a crack at figuring it out.

Twills said...

The Dilf wears the exact same kind of sock, so he never has this problem. In fact, for years he forbade me to fold his socks and align them with precision in the drawer. He wanted me just toss them in haphazardly. I've eventually won him over.

I don't want our damned fool dog chewing on our old socks. She'd think it was an invitation to chew on my shoes. That bitch has expensive taste.

And yes, yes it's wrong. You're a perv! A total perv! You know how offended I am by pervs!!! ;)