Wednesday, August 15, 2012

On Disclosure

Dear Distant Relative,

So it’s been 15 years? It was nice catching up with you. My favourite part was when you said, “Of course I’ve been keeping up with you, because you post every detail of your life on Facebook. Ha ha!”

Of course I didn’t say it out loud, but my eyes said, “Bitch, please.”

You see what I want you to see. I don’t post never-ending updates on what I’m having for lunch, where I’m going, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling. The most you’ll get is some comedy gold from my children, maybe a rant, or shameless promotion for a friend or business I like.

Did you know that I went through a nasty divorce? That’s because I didn’t mention it. Not a word.

I’m in my second year of college, and I’m kicking major ass. I’m going to be a Registered Nurse. Dean’s List, bitches!

I bet you didn’t notice when I withdrew from society. My friends joke that I’m like a ghost! I had voluntarily put myself into seclusion; took myself out of my life so that I could finally begin to live it. That’s not going to change anytime soon, so you’re going to have to read carefully. But a lot of stuff has changed, hasn’t it? Even the way I look at the world has changed. I am altered, baby. Didn’t you hear?

You must have missed the part where I fell in love. I fell in love so hard that sometimes I want to crawl under his skin. I feel like doing Celine lunges, because words alone can’t express this feeling.

My heart will go on.

This is some Bella and Edward shiz, yo! I know I would usually scoff at some chick who spoke of her “profound and life-altering love” in this way. I would say that she is only telling her 500 closest Facebook friends because she is merely trying in vain to convince herself that she really is in love, and that he is “The One”. That’s not why I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because it is my joy and my ultimate sorrow, this love.

Can you even begin to understand that this love is total agony? Did you know that I am torn apart every single day, because I can’t wake up next to him? I can’t see him, or touch him, or hear him laugh? I have to listen to my kids ask when they’re going to get to see him again, and I have to answer them, “I don’t know”? I really do not know. I have to do this without crying, without letting on that my heart is ripped in half every single day that I’m not with him.

I can barely breathe, or eat, or function, because this love is killing me from the inside out. In typical “me” fashion, I ended up screwing myself over by falling madly, desperately in love with a man who lives on the other side of the continent. Don’t even ask me how that happened, because as this gesture indicates, I keep everything important to myself. Are you getting the picture now?

It was nice catching up with you the other night and really, it’s wonderful and ground-breaking that you’re working from 10 until 4 and then stopping to get groceries after work. I love how you’re always, “Busy, busy, busy!” and how you write “lol” and the little smileys at the end of every sentence. Don’t change. Don’t ever change, but if you do... You know that if you go over the maximum allotted 420 characters, you can spill your excitement over into the comments. That way you don’t have to post five status updates in a row. Keep hitting that like button, though! Love it!

That’s all,



See Kate run. said...


But not your agonizing love life. That seriously sucks.

Mandy_Fish said...

I was still waiting to hear about the baby birds leaving their nest and then it turns out you've flown the coop. Okay, I'm mixing metaphors. I'm just excited you posted something. And I'm transfixed by your total life upheaval. I've had one or two of those myself. I love that you're in love but not so much that you're in agony. But they do seem to go together, don't they?

Welcome back. (For the moment.)

Twills said...

A lesson I've learned: love is agony when it's wrong, and also when it's right. It's so wonderfully irrational.