You Are the Champions, My Friends

I'm a day late, (Ugh! To pick the winners, people. Totally. NOT. Pregnant.) which for me means that I'm actually early. I do have an excuse, though. No, not an excuse. The very word 'excuse' sounds feeble! I have a valid reason as to why I'm a day late, and not because I procrastinate more than Hamlet and that is my true nature.

I've been sick. Really, really sick. The second stomach flu in 6 weeks went through our house like a whirlwind. Just as I thought we were really getting over it and that my washing machine might finally forgive me for riding her hard and putting her away wet, the oldest child started puking again last night. Gah! I seriously can't get a break.

On the bright side, I lost six pounds with the first flu and three with this last one, so we'll see how that evens out in the future. I know I'd joked on my Facebook status and said that I was one stomach flu away from my goal weight, but I didn't really mean that I wanted to contract it again two weeks later. Seriously, be careful what you wish for. That'll teach me.

*I promise that none of the items the winners will be receiving have come into contact with any puke though most everything else in this house has, including the dog's head.*

So what I did was just to assign all of y'all a number based on which number your comment was, minus the ones from me. Then I went to this website which spits out random numbers for you within the range you select. It doesn't just do numbers, either. Check it out! I'm pretty sure that this website could be the key to world peace and no divorce! Or something like that. List randomiser!!!! Squeee!

So you all are anxious to know who the winners are, right?

Have I kept you waiting long enough?

Wait for it.

Patience, dammit!

Alright. The winners are:

Rick! One of my favourite guys* and kind of a like an "Uncle Rick" to me and most everyone who knows him. And his girlfriend has the coolest name ever.

Lou! His name is not Lou, but let's just call him that for now because I wish it was. Also one of my favourite guys who is kind of like an older cousin that you never really got to spend much time with because whenever you went to visit him he would be up in his bedroom rocking out to heavy metal with his rad rooster-mullet. He was the one who introduced me to Guitar Hero, so obviously I owe this man a lot.

Tracy! My favourite Scrabble partner! My days are empty when there is no Scrabble/Scrabulous involved. Especially when we try to out-perv each other in the words we make. Who cares about points! We want to see if we can get words like "poon" and "meatus" to actually post, and if not we try to suggest them to the administration. Too much information?

Since these people are also on my Facebook list I will contact them over there so that no one has to post their email addresses in public. I get enough mail from "Big, Beautiful Singles" and those kings in Nigeria who need me, and only me, to distribute their millions. How would I ever find the time to help them all? There is only so much of me to go around.

Winners (not to imply that the others are losers), if you see this before I get to you, message me and tell me which prize you would like. We'll also work out the details at that time.

There you have it. Go forth and blogify**!




*You know how most of you are my favourite guys, right? I just don't get the chance to tell you often enough.

**Soccer Milf also would like you to know that even though she normally detests puns, she is nerdy enough to appreciate ones she makes herself, and only those.

Karma Yoga

Hello, all! I recently won a "Pay it Forward" prize from Whistling Up The Road. Totally weird, because I never win! I was so unbelievably excited to have been chosen, but mostly because I was really looking forward to passing this great idea on.

This is how it works: You comment on this blog. If you aren't signed up for Blogger you can post as "anonymous", just write your name at the bottom so that I know it's you. One week from today, or some day thereafter that I get around to it, I will draw names and pick three winners.

The winners will then choose a prize from the list below, but then there is a catch. A catch!!! The winner must then post this same 'contest' in their blog, and choose three winners there. That way the spirit of giving will continue three-fold. Don't let Haley Joel Osmet die for naught!!! Kevin Spacey would not be pleased.

And! If you don't pay it forward, it means you're a jerk and no one wants to be friends with a jerk, quite frankly.

I suppose that if you didn't have a blog and you didn't want to be a jerk, you could always post this in your notes on Facebook or whatever other social networking sites you use. Do they have blogs on eHarmony or Plenty of Fish? Heh heh. Twitter? Myspace? I know you've all got something, so you get my drift.

So, since I don't work, I'm not giving anything away that's flashy. No bling. Most will be handmade items, or something that's more heartfelt than say, a pair of Louboutins. (Because let's face it, I'd be keeping those bitches to myself). Here we are:


--A dishcloth, handmade by me, in my "Om" pattern. Made of natural, unbleached cotton, I use them to do the dishes or mop up kid-spills, really anyplace that you could potentially use a Sham-wow. I don't have one available right now, so while knitting it I will be thinking about the winner and knitting my lurv into it as well. As opposed to how I knit these normally, which is while cursing and screaming about effing it up. "Om" is complicated!

--Two plain dishcloths!!! One is teal, one is white, and that's just because I made a bunch of them at Christmas time and have two left over which are tied in lavender ribbon.

--Artwork, made by my children, and mailed to a child or an elderly person of your choice.

--A monetary donation made by me to a charity of your choice. Please try to make sure they take Paypal, because it's much easier for me.

--A few of my favourite recipes, handwritten onto fancy cards and mailed to wherever it is you'd like me to mail them to. They'll be a surprise as to which ones I'll send.

--A mixed cd, bootlegged and burned by me, sent to you. I will put songs on it that I think embody your spirit even if I don't know you.

--A Nike Compression Fit tank, size L but it's very, very small. I bought it about five years ago and I think it still has tags on it but I'm not sure. I haven't worn it and it just sits there mocking me, willing me to wear it but it makes me feel... compressed. I know that's the point, but I don't like feeling compressed. Oh, and it's a nice royal blue colour and has a white swoosh on the front.

--I will buy you a mystery item on Etsy and have it shipped to your home.


That's it. As they say up here in Hicksville, "Have at 'er". Or even worse, "Giv'er".

But I wouldn't say anything like that. Nope. Not me. I would say something more like, "Go forth and multiply, bitches". That's more like me. So go forth and multiply, bitches.